Sunday, February 22, 2009

Latest on the Incarceration of Crookedpaw

In his element
As mentioned several posts back the famous outlaw known as “Crookedpaw” was captured and detained this past Thursday. In his own words here is the tale of his fall from fame to failure. The high sheriff had sent word to Crookedpaw that if he put up a struggle no mercy would be shown and after counting his ammo and looking over his rag tag bunch of fellow felons he made a decision to turn himself in and plead for the mercy of the court. That turned out to be a wise decision. When brought before the judge he was quick to notice that the judge was all woman with a pretty set of lips and also two other outstanding points. In a word this judge did great things to a robe. She had no time for the likes of this aged outlaw and promptly set his bail at $3000.00, had him fingerprinted, his mug shot taken and dumped him in the calaboose. The cell was large and contained rows of tables where other felons sat trying to contact their friends and secure their release. I quickly noticed several other bailiffs of the female persuasion circulating through the prisoners and keeping order. I want to point out that these were some fine looking deputies. One in particular did more for a bulletproof vest than anyone I have ever seen. There were no flies on this gal, she would make a rabbit slap a hound, a bulldog break his chain; she might even make a country boy slap his mama. Oh well, I’m getting distracted.

Seeing no chance for escape and hearing a rumor that lunch would soon be served I decided to start wearing out my cell phone trying to talk some friends into helping with my bail. At the end of the first hour I had scratched up about $600.00 and was feeling kinda desperate. About this time two of what I hoped would be some of my main donors were brought in in cuffs. Apparently their wild ways had caught up with them as well since they were soon seated alongside me pleading on their phones for some help. I called friends, family, business associates and customers until I had gone from A to Z in my contact list. When the smoke cleared I had a blistering $1670.00 with many promises of “I’ll put a check in the mail” or…“go ahead dude, put me down for $25.00, you know I’m good for it“. All this probably means I’ll be re-arrested at a later date. I was finally released late in the afternoon and told I could have another ten days to meet my goal. If any part of this sad tale touches your heart look back at the older posts for an address you can send your checks or money orders to. Send no cash, green stamps, wampum, beads or fat hens, as they will quickly be traded for whiskey and loose women. Make your checks out to Muscular Dystrophy Association or MDA, it’s a great cause and Jerry’s kids could use some help. Crookedpaw

Tuesday, February 10, 2009

The Saddest Words I’ve Heard

Last night while I was enjoying my nightly bowl of “Bear Claw” ice cream there was a program on the Animal Channel about convicts and dogs. I knew that there were programs in some prisons that paired life term prisoners with dogs from shelters. All of the dogs are for what ever reason scheduled for euthanatizion since they are deemed un-adoptable. The idea is, that the prisoners by working with these dogs, somehow rehabilitate them with love and affection and render them adoptable, therefore saving their lives. Animal rescue, animal welfare and humane treatment are all hot buttons of mine and I have been known to get pretty heated up with any kind of violations of this sort. I have a wonderful life mate in the form of a Border collie named Maggie who keeps me sane and showers me with love that is totally unconditional. There have always been animals in my life and I find it hard to imagine existing without them. I fully believe that God charges us with protecting these creatures and gives us skills they don’t have simply so we can do this. Part of the program I was watching was an interview with one of the prisoners who had been successful in this endeavor. He was a lifer, who in the opening part of his interview made a simple comment that stuck in my mind and has stayed there every since. All day today, no matter what I was busy with, that single 12 word statement kept coming back in my mind and I found myself trying to imagine living with this restriction. His statement was very simple - he was talking about his life when he first began with this project. He said: “At this time I had not seen a dog in fifteen years”…………

Can you even imagine that?? Stop and think about the smile that comes to your face and the increase in your heart rate that comes from watching two puppies frolic ; or the joy that comes when your dog welcomes you home with some wet kisses and a wagging tail that seems to be super charged; or the amusement and awe that comes when you watch those fleet footed Border Collies catch the Frisbees no matter how they are thrown. Then…think of life without those moments. It kinda staggered me and made me recommit myself personally to all the animal improvement efforts I am involved in. I wrote this post in hopes that by bringing these thoughts to your mind you would make a similar decision. If you do….know that Maggie and Crookedpaw thank you…from the bottom of our furry hearts.

Sunday, February 8, 2009

W A N T E D ***W A N T E D ***W A N T E D
TO: Friends of the old goat

FROM: Dick Carney, aka: Old Goat/Crookedpaw

RE: Save the planet and the global beer industry and help some needy folks

The high sheriff of Pitt County, N.C. has incarcerated one Dick Carney. He is being held in the Muscular Dystrophy Lockup with no coldbeer or vittles. He is described as an old coot, long in the tooth, stoop backed, gray bearded, heavily armed, lecherous Caucasian male.
Make no mistake about his charming personality….he will steal your women and sell your offspring to the gypsies. He usually travels in the company of a gray timber wolf disguised as as mild mannered Border Collie. These two should be approached with utmost caution…..keep your money secure and watch your sheep!

The Judge (we suspect he was drunk at the time) has set his bond at $3000.00 payable before February 19 by cash, good check or credit card. If you are one of those deranged people that think the world is OK with this type scoundrel on the loose, please fill in the necessary information shown below or enclose your check made out to: Muscular Dystrophy(MDA)

I wish to donate:$100.00___$50.00___$25.00___ $_____




Your 100 percent tax-deductible donation will help MDA continue research into the causes and cures for 43 neuromuscular diseases. Your support of the MDA Lock-Up will also help MDA provide wheelchairs, clinic visits and summer camp for people in our local area

You can mail all your donations to me : DICK CARNEY, 1432 PINERIDGE DR. GREENVILLE, NC 27834 Make checks payable to MDA

Points of interest: In the 48 hours the Old Goat was held in custody a glut in the world beer supply drove Miller High Life stock prices to an all time low. 31 Damsels in Distress went unsaved. 7 Riots were unquelled and Presbyterians worldwide formed 97 new committees